i jhust puked up my retainher.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
