I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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