about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
