First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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