Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
