the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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