You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
