2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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