I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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