i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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