My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
