remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
