doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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