she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
