honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
