allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
