My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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