I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
