Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
