wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
