New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
