i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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