First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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