Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
