New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
