If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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