Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
