So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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