he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
