either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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