oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
