I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
