So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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