Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
