You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
