he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
