I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
my shit smells like andre
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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