No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
