I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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