Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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