2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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