my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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