She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
