im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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