The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
