so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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