You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
