and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
