Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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