I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
